It has been a long time since I've posted anything on here. Life has gone up then down. Now I'm back to where I started when I made this blog. I am raw, numb, devoid of satire. I've learned the cold truth of reality, and I'm not optimistic. I do not believe life is fair. Anyone who tells you differently is deranged. But! I want to believe. I want that warm fuzzy at the end of the road. I thought I had finally found it. An equal, a partner in crime, a friend, a amazing lover, someone as jaded and funny and weird as myself. Turned out to be a hoax. Usually when I emotionally invest myself in something, I still expect the worse. This time I didn't and I am broken from the aftermath. I'm trying to figure what exactly is wrong, I usually can bounce back, but this time, it's just falling. Further and further. No bottom. I guess this is the backside of what I consider actual love. And it hurts.
Gut wrenching, sleeplessness, bottom of the next bottle, pain. Now I'm running away, to my comfort zone, back to the states. I'm both excited and ashamed, I feel like a disappointment. I feel like I've failed. But again.... Life is not fair and I have to keep moving. Moving towards what? I haven't a clue. But if I don't I'll become completely stagnant and will eventually rot away. So yeah. The desert is calling and I can't say no.
I don't know how often I'll post here. I don't even know if people's still check it out but here I am alive and unwell.
Fuck fairness.
